Have you ever wondered about the intensity of a woman’s reactions in the middle of an argument? Perhaps you’ve pre- determined that she is “always” overreacting, and thereby making more out of the situation then it needs to be. Maybe you’ve walked away to collect yourself, and she follows you down the hall spewing threats and jagged screams of, “You never listen to me!” With colorful language and tears streaming down her face she berates you- and this lasts for what feels like hours into days. Or perhaps she is somewhere at the other end of the spectrum. Is she giving you the silent treatment and won’t so much as look in your direction when you enter the room? Days go by and her shoulder just keeps getting colder and colder. Similarly, maybe she is a hybrid of the two or somewhere in the middle.

It is possible that her seemingly erratic behavior has been dismissed as a “woman just being a woman”, PMS, an inability to manage her emotions or maybe even downright imbalanced. Either way, except for those individuals who have been clinically diagnosed with a mental or behavioral health disorder, chances are there is nothing going on with her physiologically or mentally- and she is simply doing the best she can to communicate the intensity of her suffering due to an unmet need.

Now let’s be perfectly clear that in no way do we condone abuse or violence on any level. If you believe that the woman in your life is a threat to herself or others, then you have the responsibility of ensuring that the right steps are taken to seek immediate help (i.e., contacting law enforcement, or the National Suicide Crisis Line at 9-8-8 immediately). Additionally, regardless of the underlying rationale behind inappropriate behavior an individual, whether male or female the individual is solely responsible for the outcomes of their actions.  

 With that notion in mind, for the purpose of this article we are attempting to clarify some of the confusion that leads to the incessant cycles of relational disparity. Many esteemed philosophers, authors, researchers and so on can elaborate on the distinct differences between men and women. But sometimes the simplest explanations to what might appear to be her “madness”, is just a depiction of her pain.  In those moments when she appears to be unrecognizable and disdained, is it possible that she is just exhibiting the symptoms of a hurting woman?

A great deal is expected of the woman. The societal and familial pressures placed upon both sexes can truly weigh down the spirit. Nonetheless, for the purpose of this discussion we are focusing solely on those that are generally exclusive to women. She is expected to be the mother, the wife (or girlfriend), or perhaps even the long-term fiancé, the teacher, the counselor, the cook, the maid, the healer, the comforter, the sexy figurine, the magician and in many ways the social butterfly, the engineer, and the accountant. Now this forum is in no way intended to bash men- nor meant to compare the individual struggles of each. However, it is to illuminate some truths with the hopes of edifying those that may misunderstand the frustrations of the woman.

A woman may find herself at the center of a never-ending battle simply because of her style of communication being misunderstood. While there are those women that are maliciously intending to cause harm with their words or actions- there are so many others that just want to be seen, to be heard, to be valued, and to be loved. When a woman believes that her needs are being unmet, and her complaints are falling on deaf ears, she may go into subconscious-like panic. When the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for emotional information processing, senses a threat it will hurl the mind into an automatic survival response. This is commonly known as fight, flight or freeze. Depending on her genetic make-up, temperament, learned behaviors and past experiences she will respond in the way that comes most natural to her.

Does she…

Fight: Does she verbally lash out? Is she engaging in name-calling? Does she start to become aggressive  in any way?

Flight:  Does she run away? Does she avoid the confrontation at all costs?

Freeze: Does she shut down? Does she appear to be stuck or immobilized?

At the core of who she is, many women might attest that they don’t ask for much from the partner in their lives. She is hard-wired to function in such a way that is careful and concerning. Though this does not make her weak or insignificant and incapable of managing challenging situations or individuals. She longs to connect. She longs to be close. Deep down within her, she needs to know that her partner is going to protect her physical person as well as the heart within her.

By the time a woman is in her mid to late 20’s she has likely already experienced an array of difficult circumstances that life has thrown at her. It is during this time that she is somewhere along the starting lines of her educational and or career journey. Perhaps she has the support of her parents, and perhaps she does not. During this window of time, she may have become a wife and is trying to navigate the expectations of the husband she chose. Meanwhile, she is actively trying to juggle the often-unrealistic expectancies that he and the in-laws have cast over their marriage.  For some, these years hold the fortune of motherhood- and for others a painful infertility journey ensues. Yet still she perseveres along the arduously winding road that has proven to be more rocks than pavement. Her outward appearance may appear to be composed most days- and she may demonstrate an incredibly resilient talent for the balancing act. But deep down inside this woman, if her needs are going and continue to go unmet, she is seething.

At some point, the human nature of the woman will manifest itself as she may begin to feel defeated and deflated. It has been said that women confront to connect- which most women will probably agree. So, if you are finding yourself in what might feel like an incessant war with the woman in your life, then it’s a good time to stop and take inventory.

A few guiding questions to ask yourself:

·       Is there something that I am doing to contribute to her frustration?

·       Am I spending enough time with her? If not, where am I devoting most of my time to?

·       When we do spend time together, what is the quality of it? Am I distracted or multitasking?

·       Am I treating her like an individual? Or am I comparing her to the women in my past?

·       Are my expectations of her realistic? Or am I being unfair?

·       Am I seeking to understand when she brings me her concerns? Or am I in defense mode most of the time?

·       Do I regularly devote time to deepen the intimacy between us? Or am I only romancing her when I want to have sex?

·       Am I speaking her language of love each day? If not, do I know what her language is?

·       When was the last time I asked her about her fears?

·       When was the last time I asked her about her dreams?

The answers to these questions may or may not surprise you- if you are honest. And keep in mind that you cannot control what or how she responds or reacts to you. Yet, know that if you have found yourself in relationship-hell, or in a stagnant place then these types of questions can help lay the groundwork for the introspective type of reality check you may both need to help turn your relationship around.

If you truly love the woman in your life, then you must understand and adhere to the fact that your love cannot be selfish (nor can hers).   If your relationship was once loving, fun and kind, yet now it seems to resemble a bloody battlefield during World War II, then it’s time to do something different.

Where will you start? And when?

Book Recommendation: “Anger: Taming a Powerful Emotion” by Dr. Gary Chapman

Reference: Šimić, G., Tkalčić, M., Vukić, V., Mulc, D., Španić, E., Šagud, M., Olucha-Bordonau, F. E., Vukšić, M., & R. Hof, P. (2021). Understanding emotions: Origins and roles of the amygdala. Biomolecules, 11(6), 823. https://doi.org/10.3390/biom11060823

Disclaimer:

This article is made for psychoeducational purposes and is not intended to provide specific clinical advice to any person. It does not create a client-practitioner relationship between MindMelody, PLLC.  and the reader. It should not be used as a substitute for competent clinical advice from a licensed mental health professional in your State.