Reflected:  Identifying the Self

If someone were to ask you to define yourself in one short sentence, what would you say? Would your response be a quick and witty reply, or one that’s filled with cynicism and uncertainty? Would it be filled with clichés and generalized labels or highlight a depth of understanding? This simple, yet revelatory moment would expose much of the truth that lies beneath the surface of your outward persona. Or it would at least, emphasize the reality about the person that you believe you are. Also known as, your self-concept.

One of my favorite songs of all time is Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror.”  This timeless classic emphasized the importance of first looking within ourselves to address our own issues before digging around inside of someone else’s closet to expose their flaws. Much like the personification we tend to find in music, there are a ton of helpful resources online, in bookstores, and on audiobooks, to help assess and identify the many traits that make up your unique personality. Yet, those highly effective tools are utterly useless if we are content with holding onto a negative self-concept and presenting less than our best selves to the world around us. 

As we grow older, we are presented with choice after choice. To change? Or to remain the same? Chronologically, the movement of time is continual. There is no escaping the clock.   However, many people may still fail to emotionally and mentally age.   They are seemingly stuck in an endless loop of self-doubt, blame, guilt, and shame that keeps them reliving the perpetual negativity of a hurtful past. Whether that hurt was emotional, physical, mental, or even spiritual it can have long lasting effects that deeply wound the individual’s ability to positively see themselves or the world around them.  Recall if you will that adage, “Hurt people, hurt people.” 

A hurt person holds negative beliefs at the core of who they are. The self-concept is essentially a collection of those core beliefs of “who” we say (or believe) we are. Meanwhile, the self-esteem is more so the innerworkings of the ideology of “what” we believe we are capable of and or deserve from others. The terms self-concept and self-esteem are likely misunderstood or may even be used interchangeably to describe the way that we see the “self”. 

So, what do you do when the painfully negative things that you have been telling yourself or have been told by others, appear to ring loud and clear as true? What do you do when those bad things have made you believe the worst about you? How do you alter the inner reflection of the self? Is it possible to change the way you see yourself? Where do you begin? 

First, it’s important that you adjust your expectations and begin to understand that change is a process. Anything that is truly worth achieving will take time to perfect. While it is okay to envision the end goal at the beginning of the change cycle, managing your expectations helps to keep a healthy perspective throughout the process. 

If you are ready to consider shifting your idea of self, to become a more emotionally and mentally harmonized version of you, here are a few helpful tips to getting started:

• Take a personal inventory
• List all the things that you believe you are (your core beliefs)
•  Prioritize your concerns about those beliefs
• Order your core beliefs based on significance of impairment and your willingness to change them
• Evaluate your list
• Decide which core beliefs you think are absolutely within your control vs. which ones are not
• Create personal goals for each core belief that you want to change
• Consider using the SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timebound) goals and objectives method
• List the resources that you’ll need to accomplish the goals outlined
• Decide what specific tools will be helpful for you i.e., books, podcasts, videos, friends, family, church, activities, professional services etc.
• Create your plan of action
• Decide how you will implement your SMART goal(s)
• Envision what success will look like for you once you’ve reached your goal(s)
• i.e., When I learn 3 new skills each month for the next 6-months, I will believe that I am qualified to meet the requirements of the next job opportunity that I will apply for
• Evaluate your plan at regular intervals
• Decide how frequently you want to monitor your progress, i.e., Weekly, bi-weekly, monthly
• How will you hold yourself accountable?
• Show grace
• Remind yourself that setbacks are inevitable, but they do not determine your overall success

Making the decision to adjust the way you see yourself, and subsequently interact with the world around you is a commitment. The process is one that cannot be taken lightly and is essential to growth and development throughout the lifespan.

If you are ready to make this individual change, I encourage you to get started today. If you are not ready to make the change, then I would implore you to ask yourself the question of why not?

Good Read Recommendation: A New Earth:  Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle available on Amazon.com.